The Great Dating Divide: Why Modern Dating Feels So Hard

Part 1: The Shifting Female Perspective Towards Independence

I don’t think it comes as any surprise to anyone who decided to read this article that the quality of modern dating experiences and relationships in America are in decline. Young men and women are having less sex than ever (Psychology Today). Marriage rates are on the decline (CDC). And even though almost half of all relationships start on dating apps, people are burnt out by them. I can’t help but ask…

What the fuck is going on?

With more discussions than ever on mental health, relationship communication, sexual identity, sexual health, and the prevalence of dating apps to bring single people together with more efficiency than ever, how the heck are young people more depressed, having less sex, and having fewer successful relationships? Shouldn’t all this openness on the topic and opportunity to meet strangers lead to better experiences and healthier relationships, not the inverse?

This is obviously a multifactorial problem. In which not one thing is to blame for all these problems. But in this series, I want to explore the three areas in which I believe are to account for the majority of the reason that marriage rates are falling, and young people are having less sex. These three areas are:

• The Shifting Female Perspective Towards Independence

• The Diminished Role of the Male Provider

• The Flaw with How People Meet in Modern Dating

My main goal with this series is to shed light on the hard to accept truths of men and women. And how the denial of these truths is leading to unhappiness in couples. By the end of the series, I will also provide what I think is the ultimate way for people to meet to increase their chances of having a successful relationship. And this means big functional changes to some of the most dominant dating institutions.

Part 1: The Shifting Female Perspective Towards Independence

The Modern Female Perspective has two flaws hindering women from finding suitable mates. They both come from external forces, not internal ones. These external forces are at war with their internal forces. The external forces are driving women in one direction, meanwhile their internal forces are driving them in another. This miscommunication with what the outside and the inside want is causing a deep divide. Leading to frustration, confusion, and most importantly, loneliness for women.

The external forces at work are from society’s newfound expectations of women and what society expects women should expect from men.

What Women Expect from Men

In this video, you can see the female creator discuss common advice given to women by women on TikTok which goes something like this…

“If he won’t _____________ (insert thing a man must do to deserve your love), find someone who will.”

A completed example might be…

“If he won’t open the car door for you, find someone that will.”

That might sound like trite advice. Because it is. But it’s fair enough. If he is not kind and chivalrous, find someone better. Set your bar high for the man you want until you get the right guy. That seems like good advice to me. Now if he forgets to open the car door one time while you’re both in a rush, maybe don’t dump the guy and leave a bad review about him online (there are literally Facebook groups for this).

But, if I’m being honest, short of it being taken too far, I like the advice. If he doesn’t do a thing you want him to do, find a better guy. This is good advice.

Unfortunately for our budding TikTok star, she doesn’t stop there. When her brother asks her if this framework can be applied to women as it is to men, she says sure. Until he starts giving her examples.

“If she won’t cook for you, find someone that will.”

“If she won’t do your laundry, find someone that will.”

Which prompts her to ask, “Why does it sound so bad when men say it?”

On my search for the original TikTok from which this YouTube video was made, I found countless toxic TikTok’s centered around this topic. It seems like women’s standards for men are quite high. But their standards for what their own role is in the relationship are quite low. In this video, the creator of the YouTube channel ‘Hoe_Math’ says that if a man were to ask what women bring to the table in a relationship, “women will say ‘I am the table’”, as if the man has no needs at all.

Women are being told by social media that men = bad and men’s needs = evil patriarchy.

I recently read a book called the ‘Anxious Generation’ by Jonathan Haidt. He discusses the role of social media in Gen Z’s lives. He claims, from the most current data that we have, that social media has a greater impact on the mood and behavior of girls than it does for boys. We see this in growing rates of depression and body dysmorphia as young girls constantly compare themselves to other girls online (RSPH). As Gen Z (me, thank you very much) becomes adults (yes mom, I’m an adult, not your ‘baby boy’), the society that is in our pockets will be shaping our perception of reality. And it has done so for young women more so than for young men. When women see a mass of videos made by a very small number of very angry women online about men’s needs being evil, they are more likely to comply and agree over time (link).

Thanks to a small group of content creators, here we now sit with women thinking that men’s needs in a relationship are not to be respected. But he must respect her needs or risk being left. Harsh.

I was the unfortunate recipient of this reality when my girlfriend broke up with me. We read a book together called ‘His Needs Her Needs’ by Willard F. Harley on how to build a strong relationship. It was recommended to me by a married couple who I train at my gym. This couple has an incredibly strong bond. When I asked them how they developed such a powerful connection, they said that early on in their relationship they read “His Needs Her Needs” and “The Five Languages of Love.”

After reading “His Needs Her Needs”, I too highly recommend it if you’re looking for a swift end to a relationship that inevitably won’t work.

The book discusses the common female and male needs in a relationship. And it challenges the reader to explore these needs with their partner. They are then encouraged to work towards meeting those needs in their relationship.

In the book, Chapter 8 is titled “He Needs a Good-Looking Wife – Physical Attractiveness”. Now, I know what you’re already thinking. But if the title of this chapter outrages you, then I’m sorry to say that you might be a part of the problem I’m discussing here.

As you can imagine based on the title, Chapter 8 was about men needing an attractive wife. It’s a point of pride for men to be with a beautiful woman. Men also rank attractiveness very high on their list of requirements when seeking a mate.

But it’s not just men. We all actively seek beautiful people when we are single and dating. And we hope that the person we meet stays as close to as beautiful as they were when we met them. This goes for men and women. Unfortunately, the obesity statistics in America prove how much men and women struggle to stay fit, healthy, and attractive.

It also turns out that physical health is highly correlated to relationship health (Psychology Today).

I find physical attractiveness very important. I’m also well aware of how being overweight is directly correlated with negative health outcomes, such as heart disease and cancer. I own a gym and coach clients on how to be the healthiest versions of themselves. Almost all of them are looking for their dream body. And my job is to try to get them that. In the process, I’m making them healthier, happier people in their pursuit of a better body.

I also believe in practicing what I preach. I work to get myself my own dream body. I eat healthy, watch my body fat percentage, and exercise daily. I want to be with someone who wants the same.

I knew this was a relationship box that I wanted to be checked when I was single and dating. But when I met my ex-girlfriend, I was so enamored with her that I overlooked the fact that she didn’t exercise. And that she had a history with eating disorders (thanks, Instagram).

When we got to this chapter of the book, she was mad before the discussion even began. She was mad at the author for what seemed to her to be a misogynistic perspective. And she was mad at me for not outright dismissing the chapter altogether.

Mind you, there were many chapters of the book prior to this one that discussed her needs, which she agreed that she had. And she agreed with the author that I should provide for those needs. However, this chapter was unacceptable to her.

She asked me a few months prior to this conversation “if I got fat would you still love me?” To which, as you can imagine, I swerved and dodged my way around without giving a clear answer. Classic non-communication.

Now, confronted with Chapter 8, I couldn’t hide my true feelings. After discussing this chapter together, I gathered up the courage to tell her the truth: No, I wouldn’t still love her.

This led to me getting dumped the next day. I know, you’re shocked too.

But shouldn’t you be shocked? Why did I assume that you as the reader probably thought to yourself “serves him right.” If you did think that to yourself it’s because you’ve been cast by the same societal spell that my ex-girlfriend, our earlier TikTok starlet, and many Gen Z women have been struck by. And that spell convinces you that men’s needs = evil patriarchy. Me wanting her to remain healthy and beautiful was a sign of my misogyny. And my self-respect and pride are a flaw.

Maybe, my self-respect is a sign of my value. And not a sign of my lack of values.

I digress.

As I said, she and I discussed all the chapters up to this one. And we even skipped around before we got to the dreaded Chapter 8 because we knew, well, it wasn’t going to be a fun conversation. And to be honest, we probably knew it was going to be the end of us.

We even discussed “Chapter 9: She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably.” After which I committed to being the sole provider for our future family. I own a business that’s growing. She wants to stay home and take care of the kids. It would be a win-win.

When she began getting mad that I didn’t want her to get fat, I flipped the script. I gave her a scenario in which I stopped working and made her go to work to support our future family financially. She said she would feel betrayed. As a result, she would leave me. I said I would feel the same way if she got fat. She said I don’t want to date you anymore.

Okay, what she actually said was “I think we should breakup. I want someone who will give me unconditional love.” But just like our TikTok starlet, she wanted to receive unconditional love. She didn’t want to give it. She is the table. I’m the things I bring to the table.

I want to be clear about something. My ex is a beautiful girl and we had great fun together. Up until this conversation, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with her. I enjoyed the time we spent together. And she added value to my life. But her rejecting my needs in favor of her own was hard to bear.

Now, this may just sound like a bitter guy writing about what’s wrong with women because he is bitter and his girlfriend broke up with him. And maybe that same bitter guy is writing this paragraph to prove that he is so not bitter and actually has a point here and you should hear him out.

But bitter or not you should hear me out. Because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with women. I love women. There’s just a flaw in what they are being taught to expect from their relationships with men. And part of that is coming from…

What Society Now Expects from Women

Women are part of the workforce more now than ever relative to men. Men’s labor force participation has been dropping steadily. It is currently the lowest it’s been since the Bureau of Labor Statistics has been keeping data, which began in 1948. Women, on the other hand, are at close to an all-time high. Relative to men right now, women are ripping (BLS).

They are more qualified for the workforce than ever. From 1970-2020 the rates of women with a college degree more than quadrupled. Like, wtf. But also, Go America (BLS).

Women also make more money than ever. Median earnings right now for full-time working women is 83.6% of men. That’s with all the relevant factors considered like how women take more leave and ask for raises less frequently than men do (BLS).

They are also at home with the kids far less than ever. In 1970, 46% of mothers with children under 18 stayed at home. Now that number is 29% (Pew).

And you would think that women would be much happier with their newfound roles. But the data here is mixed. Some feel more fulfilled in their careers. While others feel more stressed with the balance of having to take care of children and working (Pew). So, life, basically. When you have more stuff going on and are pulled in multiple directions, you’re more stressed. But when you have goals that you’re working towards, you feel fulfilled because of ‘purpose’, or whatever.

You’re probably wondering right now, John, what the hell is your point? Yeah, women are working now, we know this. It ain’t the 1920s. How does this relate to failing relationship dynamics?

And those are fair questions. I haven’t gotten there yet.

What you need to know right now is that American society is not just giving women the freedom to work (again, Go America, we often forget how great that is), but society is encouraging women to get jobs and be financially independent. In 2021, women made up 60% of college students while men made up only 40%. That’s a big disparity.

Based on this data, I’m going to make an assumption.

With so many women going to college, you can’t assume that they all just made this decision on their own. The 18-year-old guy who was a ‘C’ student in high school and only ever excelled in sports going to his local college to get a degree in Communications probably doesn’t want to be there. My guess is his parents, or society, or both compelled him to go to college instead of becoming a plumber (which, great career choice right now). Just like our male example, I’m also willing to assume that not all women getting degrees actually want them either.

amber_lust

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40% of college students say that their degree doesn’t even matter (Pew). Could it be that the lack of desire to get a degree in the first place is driving the attainment of worthless degrees? And might some of this group of 60% of college students be women?

Here’s a collection of NYU students listing their majors. Notice anything about their gender?

What the hell is ‘Queering and Decolonizing Theater Politics’?!

I want to be clear; I don’t think that women working or going to college is a net negative for women. I think it’s a net neutral. Well, other than getting a degree in ‘Queering and Decolonizing Theater Politics’, that’s definitely not going to be a financially successful path.

It’s a trade-off. More independence financially but more stress and expectations. Again, life stuff. It’s not always rainbows and sunshine and endless orgasms. But freedom of choice is fantastic. Again, Go Team America.

But what I do think is that women working is a net negative for men. You might disagree. And that’s fine, you’re allowed to be wrong. But my theory that women working being bad for men is part of my attempt to try to answer the question that we are all asking:

What the fuck is going on with young men right now?

Part 2: The Diminished Role of the Male Provider

Coming soon…