Finding the Key to Meaning
A guide to building a life worth living.
Summary for the impatient:
I believe I might have some insights on how to find meaning. In order to find it, and then live life with true purpose, you must be willing to take the risk in trying new things, accept those things you enjoy into your life, and reject those that you do not enjoy. Then, you need to continue working at those things which give you meaning until you are able to provide value to others with them.
Words: 1655
Time to Read: 6-8 Minutes
I spend hours a week watching salsa videos on YouTube. There are videos that I have watched almost one hundred times.
One video. One hundred times.
On Sunday mornings, like this one, I’ll spend up to five hours at my girlfriend Yaneth’s coffee shop writing blogs that few people read. I was up last night until nine o’clock editing a blog so that I could get it published for today at noon, as if I was on some hard deadline.
On top of these obsessions, I work at my gym from six a.m. to seven at night trying to build the best personal training facility I can.
I do these things because they give me meaning. I dance to express myself and to build a connection with the love of my life. I write to learn and to teach people about the things I learned. I train clients to make others healthier.
I owe my happiness to the immense purpose I feel from all the things that I do.
If you took one of these things away from me, I wouldn’t become lost. One of my other obsessions would grow to fill the void left by the one you took.
Or I would find a new one.
If you took every one of my pursuits away, I could find another—or several—in the matter of a couple of years. It’s possible that the new purpose I find would be even greater than those I’m already working on.
I’ve realized—through my short life—I may have discovered a process for finding meaning, and I’d like to share it with you.
Beginner’s Mind
Finding purpose starts with the willingness to try new things. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve invited to a salsa class after they expressed interest and then never went.
I believe there’s only one reason they bailed: fear.
Trying something new begins by shutting off the part of your brain that tells you about all the things that could go wrong if you tried this new thing. Most likely, nothing bad will happen to you. You’ll just learn something new about yourself and about the world.
Knowing Which Things to Try
You’re probably wondering which things you should try. This is important. You can’t be going around trying all the activities on offer. You’d run out of time.
You must reflect on who you are. You must understand three things about yourself: what do you think you might like, what do you already have some knowledge about, and what do you have a natural ability to do.
I knew I should pursue writing more when I got a perfect score on my Advanced Placement Literature test in high school.
I knew I should pursue dancing when this girl I was dating, who was a bachata instructor, couldn’t believe how easily I could keep a beat.
Even my failed pursuits all began with the notion that I have the skills and knowledge to pursue them.
I created a language for exercise that paired my ability to write with my exercise science knowledge.
I created a fitness app because of the intersection of my understanding of fitness, business, and technology.
Look inward. Somewhere in you there is a part of you screaming to be explored.
Add Value to Others
If you want a fulfilling life, going bungee jumping, skydiving, or go-karting will probably not get you anywhere. Sure, those are new things, but they’re not useful in any meaningful way. Something purposeful adds value to other people’s lives other than your own.
When choosing purposeful activities, find ones that repeatedly deliver value to other people. They shouldn’t be one-shot activities. Sure, you could build one well in Africa on a weeklong charitable trip and you should do that if it compels you. But don’t consider it part of your path to discovering your mission if you’re not planning on taking that trip regularly.
I occasionally watch my friend’s cat Spike, but I don’t consider that my calling.
These occasional activities are problematic for two reasons.
The first is that finding new one-time activities to do will mean that you keep having to break through that barrier of fear to have purpose. Unless you’re more emotionally resilient than most people, I wouldn’t recommend this.
Second, if you build that well in Africa, you’ll do it slowly and inefficiently because, realistically, you have no idea how to build wells. But, if you moved to Africa and built wells for the rest of your life, you could become an expert at it and build a system for well construction, which would be far more valuable to those in need of clean drinking water.
I’m not telling you to move to Africa and build wells. All I’m saying is that you should begin a pursuit you can improve over a long period of time, which means you should choose something you enjoy doing.
You Should Enjoy Your Purpose
Finding something that offers value to others doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be valuable to you. And it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy it.
My girlfriend doesn’t have to drag me onto the dance floor on the weekends. I am not sitting here writing this blog for you through gritted teeth.
I enjoy these acts, which give me meaning. It’s the only way for them to be sustainable.
But how do you know if you like doing something?
It’s easy: you’ll know after trying.
When my first salsa class ended, I resented it being over. The thought of the pattern of the steps and the rhythm of the movement captured my mind. I wanted more.
If you don’t have a similar reaction to the new thing you’re trying, I urge you to give up on it immediately. My biggest mistakes in my search for meaning were never about trying something new. My biggest mistakes came from doing something for too long that I detested.
As an example, I built up an Instagram account of about 50,000 followers while making fitness videos. I made videos that got millions of views. I helped thousands with my back pain tips. It was probably one of the things I did in life that had the widest positive impact.
But I hated making videos. Setting up shots, acting, editing, or posting regularly to social media became the bane of my existence. It was miserable. So, I quit.
Treat finding your purpose like finding your spouse. You wouldn’t give someone who you had a boring first date with a second date.
If you don’t enjoy it immediately, quit.
Your Purpose Should Serve Others
Don’t engage with an activity anymore once you realize you’re doing it for your own self-serving interests over those of the people you’re trying to provide value to.
One of the things I realized about my Instagram mission was that I was doing it purely for the money. I just wanted ad revenue and people to buy workout programs from me. I didn’t really care who the videos helped.
If you go on a first date with someone and you realize that the only reason you would take them on a second date is so that you can have the chance to get them into bed, you shouldn’t go on that second date.
You Will Suffer
You must accept that there will be suffering in anything worth pursuing. As I sit here writing this piece, I am constantly being pulled away from it by my own mind. I want to check my email, scroll social media, or peruse YouTube for a salsa video I’ve already seen.
Writing something worth reading is hard. Just like me sitting here writing to you, the direction you choose will involve struggle, and it should.
Watch Free Solo, Meru, or 14 Peaks. These are all climbing movies. Climbers are the epitome of people who have found an activity they love, that brings them fulfillment, which is also paired with extreme suffering. These climbers inspire us all to reach new heights, no matter the circumstance.
But we can’t all climb El Cap without ropes. The type of suffering you choose must be one you are willing to endure.
I don’t mind fighting my own desire to get away from this computer while I sit in this coffee shop writing to you. I don’t mind the pain of not knowing if I’ll be able to pay my gym’s lease next month. I don’t mind the fear of asking for a dance. But there’s no universe where I climb Meru with frostbitten toes.
You’re not going to love every minute of the pursuit you’ve chosen, but you must fall in love with the process of it. You must appreciate the type of suffering it brings you.
Give Something to the World
Around me, all I hear is a world that is crying out for meaning.
I’ve realized that this piece is less of a way to teach you how to find purpose than a desperate plea for you to find it. I want fewer people to end up with a life they feel they wasted. I want fewer people to be counting down their days to retirement.
Humans are communal creatures. We live to serve the greater good of the species. And that’s what you should be doing. Give something to the world that people are willing to give you extra in return. It doesn’t have to be money. It could be love, connection, or fulfillment.
Your path to a life of substance will not be a rosy journey without strife, no matter what the movies show. It will involve you taking risks in finding something worth pursuing, developing a process you can embed yourself into and keep going even when you want to quit. Forget the promises that were given to you about an easy life, because one with meaning won’t be.
But it will be one worth living.
Hey Reader,
I hope you enjoyed this piece. It’s less doom and gloom than what I’ve been writing lately. Unfortunately, I believe the next piece will be more doom and gloom. But, with a little meaning behind us, I think we will all be alright.
Thanks for reading,
John